Very Peri-Menopausal

Estrogen Therapy for Hot Flushes Challenged: Progestin as Effective as Risk-laden Estrogen

2007-01-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

Women seeking treatment for hot flushes can avoid health risks associated with estrogen by taking medroxyprogesterone, now demonstrated to be equally as effective as estrogen, according to research led by a University of British Columbia endocrinologist, who is also a member of the Vancouver Coastal Health Research Institute (VCHRI).In the first direct comparison of the two drugs ever undertaken, Dr. Jerilynn Prior and an international research team has shown that medroxyprogesterone, a progestin or synthetic version of the hormone progesterone, initially marketed as Provera®, is equally effective in controlling hot flushes and night sweats as the standard estrogen treatment.

Estrogen Therapy for Hot Flushes Challenged: Progestin as Effective as Risk-laden Estrogen - UBC Public Affairs

So, now women have another choice, other than that dreaded estrogen hormone therapy. I used to go to a doctor who stopped hormone therapy because of the dangers. 'nuff said, right?

But seriously, this story is good news, if only because people are starting to not only admit there are dangers, but they're looking for other alternatives.

Yam cream, anyone?

Symptom of the Week: Dizziness and Lightheadedness

2006-12-18T15:26:00.000-08:00

Over at iVillage I found this:

This [dizziness] is a big one, says Dr. Carlson -- the culprit in about half the cases of dizziness among her premenopausal patients. When you're under the gun, she explains, you tend to hyperventilate -- drawing shallow breaths that prompt your arteries to contract. Less blood reaches the brain and extremities, so you may be hit with dizziness and numbness in the fingers and toes. After ruling out physical problems, your doctor may suggest slow, deep breathing from the abdomen to help abort attacks.

I have to say, dizziness is a big pain in my ass. It comes and it goes -- often when I'm fighting off a cold or I'm a little under the weather. I didn't used to get dizzy like I have been, the past couple of years, but ever since my other perimenopausal symptoms have been flaring up, dizziness has made its presence felt.

I'm not saying it's definitely because of perimenopause, just that it coincides with it, and I'm not about to run to the doctor every time another anomaly with my body shows up.

I know, I know, that subverts the dominant paradigm of never doing anything related to your body that hasn't been cleared by a trained physician, but who the hell came up with that idea? Some man, probably. Not that I'm bitter... I'm just doing my own thing, and I'm not going to be held hostage by the AMA.

Still, it is a little daunting, to have this dizziness set in ... thoughts of brain tumors and strokes and such -- been watching too much friggin' t.v. and paying too much friggin' attention to the mass media, when it comes to my physical health. I know, some will say, I'm just asking for trouble, but when I do "consult with my physician", all I get are either blank looks or some shrugging of the shoulders, coupled with a carefully couched, highly technical phrase that means, "I really don't know what's going on with you".

So, anyway, back to lightheadness and dizziness. It seems to coincide with fighting off a cold or a sinus infection. But like I said, it's become much more pronounced, since this whole perimenopause thing started, so I'm going with my gut instinct on this one.

New for 2007 - The Cycle Calendar

2006-12-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

Just updated!

The Cycle Calendar for 2007-2011!

This monthly minder helps you keep track of your (peri)menopausal symptoms and chart your changes from month to month. It can help take the mystery out of menopause, with information on symptoms and possible solutions for relief. And keeping track of what your body is doing, from month to month, can help you identify patterns that can guide your decisions about what to eat, what to drink, when to sleep... all those different aspects of your everyday life that can impact -- and be impacted by -- perimenopause.

For folks who just want to keep track of a year at a time, a one-year version of The Cycle Calendar is also available.

Buy the print copy here

Or download a free PDF eBook version here!

Menopause and Insomnia - some links

2006-12-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

Insomnia at Women's Health
Insomnia at Menopause - Power Surge
Special Topics: Insomnia
Women's Health on About.com
- Menopause and Insomnia
Bella Online - Book about Menopause
Insomnia causes in women, and natural relief from your sleeplessness

New Very Peri podcast now available!

2006-12-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

New for this week - Very Peri - The Perimenopausal Podcast

I talk about how perimenopause-induced insomnia has actually improved my life, given me more energy and time to pursue the things I care about most in life, and how I overcame a deep personal bias against 'not getting enough sleep'.

Get the MP3 here

Subscribe to the feed here

Enjoy!

Shameless Opportunist Alert: Wyeth Pharmaceuticals

2006-12-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

Wyeth Pharmaceuticals is very crafty -- they have a number of women doctors (women of color, no less, oh, and one male doctor) on their site "knowmenopause.com". What gets served up, when you click through, is basically a soft-sell for hormone therapy, which looks a lot more attractive in the graphics, than the other alternatives -- exercise (signified by barbells, which a lot of women are not keen on) and alternative treatments (indicated by a peapod -- soybeans, perhaps? tho' given that most people have never actually seen a soybean in its pristine state -- with the exception of me -- their reaction to "alternative" therapies probably isn't going to be that friendly).

I can only hope that women have enough sense to see through this site as a blatant pitch for hormone therapies and pharmaceutical products. Consider the source.

Symptom of the Week: Insomnia

2006-12-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

I've been experiencing some really odd changes to my sleeping patterns. My sleep is all over the place. Sometimes I'll sleep for four hours, sometimes I sleep for seven, sometimes I'll sleep on and off... but I'm rarely able to sleep a full 8 hours (every now and then I'll catch more), as I used to

So what else is new, right? Everything else is changing, so why not my sleeping, as well? After a lifetime of needing at least 8 hours of sleep a night, I find myself either not able to sleep all that much, or just not wanting to. Which is really strange, because I've always been a regular go-to-bed-at-11-get-up-at-7 kinda gal.

Now I'm a go-to-bed-whenever-get-up-much-earlier-than-ever-before kinda gal.

I came across this post on polyphasic sleeping by Steve Pavlina (who I stumbled upon a few months ago, and just re-stumbled upon yesterday. He makes some interesting points, and while I'm not about to start sleeping three hours a night and take regular naps during the day, his post does have some interesting ideas, not least of which is the idea that you can actually have a rich and fulfilling life without sleeping 1/3 of it away.

It's not such a bad thing, really, this insomnia. Aside from being really tired in the afternoons... but that passes if I just keep at what I'm doing, have a cup of coffee, go out for a walk, spend some time on things I love to do, etc. I find myself able to really function well, despite feeling tired, and I wonder if all these years I haven't been missing out on a lot of time to get things done, just because I thought I was tired. And I thought I shouldn't be...

This weirdness to my sleeping patterns started several of years ago, when I was working on a really intense project that had me at my wits' end for months on end. I mean, it was bad! So much stress... I never want to go there again... and I was sleep-deprived for about a year. I didn't get more than 4-5 hours of sleep each night, which I now realize was probably partly due to perimenopause, as much as it was due to the stress of the job. And it was making me nuts!

Job strss + "hidden" perimenopause + Kay = insomnia

The thing that made me craziest, however, was the idea that I should have been sleeping more. I developed this huge complex around my sleeping patterns -- an actual inferiority complex about not being physically able to sleep. There's a lot of medical research out there that says people need to have enough sleep to get along in life, and that we should all be getting around 8 hours a night. And I believed it. But I couldn't sleep that much -- no how, no way, no matter how hard I tried -- and it was making me crazy.

I finally gave up about a year ago. I just quit trying to sleep, when I couldn't. And I started getting up when I felt like it.

Now, I set my clock, but I just get up when I feel like it. I don't worry about getting up at any certain time, because my body wakes me up regularly befor 7:30 each day (plus, I have a really flexible job, so I can get there when I get there). I just go with the flow and don't hassle over things. I just sleep when I can, but I don't make myself miserable for not sleeping "enough". When I need to sleep, my body will tell me. And I'll sleep.

Unless, of course, it's the middle of the day and I'm at the office.

Earn Commissions on Thought2Form Books!

2006-10-14T02:30:00.000-07:00

Thought2Form Books is now offering a 25% commission on Lulu sales. This includes sales of The Cycle Calendar and all books for sale at the Thought2Form Books storefront on Lulu.

To Sign up and Start Earning:

Visit the Thought2Form Books storefront on Lulu and decide which book(s) you wish to sell. All books in Lulu are available for purchase, worldwide, so there's no restriction on geographic area, and you'll have no inventory to cover.

Send me an email at kaystoner@yahoo.com and indicate which books you'll be selling. Please put Signup to sell Thought2Form books in the subject line.

I'll create a special product link for you and e-mail you the link(s) to the book(s) you'll be selling.

Simply place those links on your website/blog or in your e-mails to point people to your own "sell page(s)".

I receive payment each month, and so will you (if you have any sales). Each month, I'll send you an affiliate report and you'll receive a payment for 25% of the net profits realized from your affiliate sales. If a book brings me $5 royalties, I'll pay you $1.00 per sale, which can add up... especially if you're living in a place where the dollar is weak or it buys you more than the local currency (which is just about everywhere in the world, these days).

I prefer to remit payment by Paypal, but I can cut you a check (drawn on a US bank with US funds). E-mail me to work out the details.

If you've got any questions, please email me at kaystoner@yahoo.com. Thanks, and I look forward to working with you!

Think of us as adolescent boys...

2006-03-04T06:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a way that men might possibly be able to think about (peri)menopausal women in a way that makes sense to them:

Think of us as 16-year-old boys.

Remember those days, when your body was doing things you didn't fully understand, and that you certainly weren't able to control?

Remember those days, when your nether regions were hyper-active, and your moods were all over the place, and all you wanted to do, was rumble... break things, speed through town in your dad's sedan, defy authority figures (and everybody else, for that matter)...?

Remember those days, when you were starting to sprout hair in unexpected areas, your voice was changing, your hormones were raging, and you didn't know whether you were coming or going?

If so, you know what it's like for a lot of women who are going through menopause. We're essentially going through the same thing -- which can be frightening for the men around us, I know.

But if the men of the world who deal regularly with (peri)menopausal women can think of us in the same way they think of 16-year-old boys, maybe they can find it in their hearts to feel some sort of compassion for us in our situation.

After all, they've been there, too.

Survival skills for the (peri)menopausal

2006-03-04T05:53:00.000-08:00

Been giving a lot of thought to sharpening my survival skills over the next 10 years or so. That's about how long I can look forward to this "process" (how I hate that word - but it's better than "journey"!) and my life isn't about to stop, because my body is going through changes.

If more people knew about what the menopausal process involves, they would bow at the feet of post-menopausal women who have managed to keep their family, their career, and their sanity intact. I'm serious. It takes a tremendous amount of mastery to balance it all, when your body is being completely unpredictable. Especially nowadays, when women and women's bodies are so suspect, and we're out in the public eye more than ever before. It's no easy thing, to manage to keep your composure, when everything around you is going haywire at the same time everything inside you is going haywire.

No joke.

Of course, there are those women who do the HRT thing and get around a lot of the symptoms with drugs or denial. And there are those women whose symptoms are not so pronounced. I've heard about the latter type of women, so they must exist, but I think that over the past couple of decades, it's been mostly HRT and denial (and divorce?) that's been the saving grace of countless women approaching and going through menopause.

HRT isn't an option for me, however. It just isn't. I don't trust any concoction that comes out of a male-dominated pharmaceutical industry that seeks to cause women's bodies to approximate the behavior of men's bodies (i.e., not act up/out during their change). It's not man-hating, it's just practical. How can a bunch of folks who don't understand what it means to live in this sort of body -- and who are often wary/mistrustful of this sort of body, in the first place -- possibly come up with a reliable solution to our symptoms? Considering that the folks doing the concocting are (often) operating from a mindset of "normalization", and their efforts are aimed not at easing or facilitating the transition, but suppressing all appearances of it "till the coast is clear", HRT is about the last thing I plan to do to myself. I'd sooner move to the tundra.

I may need to, eventually, of course, if my hot flashes come back the way they were, for a while there. I haven't had a "power surge" in a number of weeks, which is pleasant. But it also makes me a little nervous. I haven't been entering much info into my Cycle Calendar, lately, in part because things have been "quiet" and I haven't really wanted to think about menopause, whilst I get up to speed with this new job of mine.

Of course, I will have to think about it. Sooner or later, my symptoms will re-appear. And then my life will become that much more interesting again... But not just yet.

Second thoughts about talking about perimenopause

2006-02-18T06:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've been having really pronounced second thoughts about keeping this blog and podcasting about perimenopause. Something tells me it makes me look unstable and disqualifies me from participating in the "normal" world, because going through menopause is not the sort of thing that anybody cares to publicly face or deal with. And think of all the men whom I work with, who just do NOT want to know about this process... Plus, when I get going, I suspect I look a little insane, and at this point in my life, when I'm supposed to be finding and keeping work in the "normal" world, well, going off on little things and just being ME, is not the sort of activity that seems compatible with finding and keeping work.

Who wants to hire a perimenopausal woman? Isn't menopause a form of disability? Isn't it the kind of things that disqualifies a woman from fully participating in life? Isn't it the kind of "condition" that makes everyone (especially men) shy away and run for cover? It's so tremendously mysterious to most people, that it just plain scares them away.

I have a theory, however, that what makes (peri)menopause such a hydra-headed monster, is the level of ignorance and fear around it. I mean, millions and millions of women are going through this phase, but precious few of them know enough about it, to not fear it. When it comes down to it, once you learn about menopause and understand how it affects your own body (which is rarely exactly like other women's bodies), and you find ways to cope with the "condition", the horrors of it decrease exponentially. The stress gets less... which means the symptoms get less... which means it's actually less pronounced and your symptoms may even recede into the background and not come into play in your daily life nearly as much as when you hide from your symptoms, deny them, fear them, and get stressed about them.

The best cure for menopause is, well, menopause... Dealing with it. Facing it. Learning about it. Talking about it. Just being in it, and understanding its place in your life.

The more you hide from it, the worse it gets. The more distressing it is. The more taxing it can be to you and everyone around you. Stress exacerbates your symptoms, and not understanding what's going on with your body causes stress. And the more you hide from what's going on, the worse it is for you. The more you avoid it, the more traumatic it is.

There's actually a HUGE inverse relation between actively facing and dealing with menopause, and the symptomatic experience. At least, that's been my own experience. The more active you are, the more willing you are to deal with it, the less of a "deal" it becomes. The worst thing you can possibly do, is hide from it. It makes you crazy, it makes you insane, it makes your life miserable, and the people around you aren't helped by this, one bit.

There's only one thing to do: deal with it.

So, my podcast is getting out there...

2006-01-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

People are interested. They're listening. Woo hoo! I've been checking my stats, and my belief that this podcast is of interest to people (and it's pretty much one of a kind in the podcasting world), seems to be panning out. 70 people in January have downloaded the current mp3 file. That's way cool. And a bunch of other folks have downloaded my past files, as well. So far, VeryPeri is the most popular podcast I've got going on, which doesn't really surprise me. Nobody else is doing a similar podcast, from what I can tell...

But that's of no help, unless I actually continue to podcast new and interesting information, ideas and insight.

And it can't all be bitching and carping and blaming. Oh, no, that gets tired really quick. I mean, when you're (peri)menopausal (or you know someone who is), the less pleasant parts of human nature come front and center. But that's not all that needs to come front and center. And what's the point of it coming front and center, unless you're going to deal with it?

One of the big shifts I've made over the past weeks and months of dealing with a whole lot of annoying crapola tied up with menopause, is coming to the conclusion that this "condition" is not going to completely wreck my life and my peace of mind. It can't. It just can't. I can't possibly go through the next 10-15 years, bitching and moaning and complaining about every little thing that irritates me -- which is a whole lot, at this point in time.

There has to be a better way to handle all of this -- and HRT is NOT the way I'm going to do it. I can totally see where HRT would be very attractive to a lot of women, who just want all the craziness to Stop(!) But from where I'm sitting, to just Stop the madness would cheat me of a very valuable opportunity to take a long, hard look at what it is that bugs me, and figure out why it bugs me.

Because face it, people, once women get to a certain point in life, they/we just don't feel like taking it anymore. We don't feel like being marginalized and discounted and treated like breeding stock or free babysitters who will make sure the next generation of consumers are well-fed and well-clothed. We don't feel like being someone else's wife/consort/punching bag... a quick and easy way to unload your frustrations, because that's what we're good at, that's what we're made for.

Being pissed off during (peri)menopause is not only a function of biology and hormonal changes. Oh, no. It's a function of screwed-up society, as well. Because like it or not, menopausal women have their eyes wide open. We've spent our lives being second-class citizens in so many ways (and you can just bite me, if you think I'm being a bitter feminist -- I'm being real, and real honest -- a lot more honest than most people have the cajones to be), and by the time we've raised the brats and sent them out into the world, we've been the dutiful spouse, the diligent worker, the contributor to the world at large, we're in the mood to be recognized for who and what we are, what we've accomplished, what we know, what we're capable of doing.

We're just not in the mood to be be tossed aside. Maybe 100 years ago, women were resigned to that reality. Those were the days when women were treated as chattel and breeding stock (check your history, people -- once upon a time in the Western World, when a woman married, she became the property of her husband... after spending her childhood being the property of her parents, of course). But this is 2005, and a whole lot of women have reached the point in their lives, where the realize that all the crap we're sold about who and what we are, and where we fit into the world at large is just that -- crap.

So, don't go blaming hormones, when women get an attitude at a certain age. A lot of it actually has to do with our eyes being opened by our bodies' changes, that sharpen our faculties of observation and reason. And without the perpetual worry about the kids, our precious career paths, our darling partners, all those things that seem so momentous when we're 25, but gradually cease to be causes for concern... well, we've got time and energy to be thinking about other things. And when our bodies' cycles are so unpredictable, that nothing we've come to take for granted is necessarily true anymore, well, you've got a recipe for discernment that's unparallelled inthe lives of countless women across the face of the planet.

No, it's not all hormones that makes us crazy. Look around, dude. You can't seriously expect us to be okay with how things are, can you?

Okay, so that rant aside, here's where I'm at vis-a-vis my own perimenopausal experience:

Yes, it's disruptive, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life. And I'm not going to pump myself full of potential carcinogens like HRT to make it through to the other side. I'm just going to have to pay close attention to what's bugging me, and understand why it's bugging me. And make all my agitation and frustration worthwhile.

They're not going away anytime soon. I might as well get some serious mileage out of them.

Hot flashes on and off for days, now.

2006-01-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

After months of nothing happening, suddenly I'm "rushing" on a regular basis.

It's odd -- I've always been easily chilled, and I've always loved the heat. But suddenly, when I have a flash, I can't stand the heat, and I have to loosen my clothes. It's very odd. I love saunas, I love really warm rooms, but I can't take the internal sauna, and all of a sudden, I love the feel of cool.

You have to understand what a departure this is for me. I have always HATED the cold (even though I'm a norther clime kinda gal). I have always HATED to be cold... probably due to all those winter trips with my family, when the '75 VW van was freezing cold with no heat and we had to huddle under sleeping bags to stay warm.

But now I actually like it. It feels like a relief, for my feet to be a little chilly. It feels nice, to have a cool breeze, or cool water running over my hands. It's very odd, and proof positive that something very unusual is going on in my body.

The importance of planning

2005-12-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

What I wouldn't give, to know what I now know about perimenopause, 20 years ago! If I had known how it would affect my life, I probably would have made different conscious choices about the direction I took, and what I did with myself in my early "career" years.

For the record, I spent my 20's in a very bohemian mode. I was intent on being a professional writer, and I spent the bulk of my time working on novels and poetry and essays. At the time, I thought it was the best use of my time, and I have to say, the past 32 years of writing constantly have not hurt my craft one bit.

However, had I known how hard perimenopause would hit me -- how intolerant it would make me of the everyday bullshit that is a regular part of life, to be accepted and dealt with... how impatient I would become with outright foolishness, vanity, pride, and hubris... how short my temper would become in the face of oblivious human frailty... how eager I would become to speak out against travesties and take people to task for doing Bad Things... well, I probably would have put more of my energy into making money and building a career, up front, and saving my bohemian inclinations for my 40's.

I'm fortunate, in that I have an affinity for money, and I've always been able to make plenty, so I've got a safety net to buffer any falls I might experience along the way, at this point in my life. But my amassing of wealth has been instinctive, not intentional, and I haven't really had a definite plan about what my professional life/career would turn into, over time. Nor did I develop a definite financial strategy, until I was in my 30's. I had thought a lot about money in my 20's, and I had planned to be in really good shape, financially, by the time I got to 35-40 (and I accomplished this several years "ahead of schedule"), but as far as my life planning and taking time out of the rat race and stepping away from the corporate dramas... well, I never really developed an exit strategy for this time in my life.

And an exit strategy is what I've been needing. Because in all honesty, I can't see the sense in doing a lot of the ass-kissing and the tolerant tongue-biting that's required to function in today's corporate atmosphere. Maybe it's always been like this, and I'm just now finding out what generations of corporate drones have always known... that you just have to suck it up, and if you're lucky, they'll let you live to see another day.

But dude, I'm perimenopausal, and that means I'm waaaaaay intolerant of outright, overt, oblivious stupidity that gets swept under the rug just 'cause "it is what it is". I'm waaaaaay past being able to turn a blind eye to the contradictions and hypocrisy that are so rampant today, and I'm NOT willing to put up with the crap all around me, for the sake of belonging to the group.

I've never been much of a joiner, and perimenopause is making me even less cooperative with the usual world around me. As the hot flashes come, and I notice more and more of the inequity and injustice and iniquity of the world around me, I'm like that kid in the crowd, who can't help but shout out, "The Emperor Has No Clothes!"

The only problem is, I'm a 40-ish woman with a household to support, and I can't very well go running around calling my superiors on all their crap... and expect to remain gainfully employed for long. It's probably time I went back to contracting, time I went back to doing somewhat brief stints at companies to make the money, without having to drink the proverbial Kool-Aid and pretend I believe all the crap they shovel on a regular basis. I'll do the job. They'll pay me money. I don't have to like them, and they don't have to like me. I'm perimenopausal, dude, and I need a new strategy for making ends meet, that doesn't involve sucking up or biting my tongue or pretending outright foolishness doesn't bother me.

The Journal Standard Online : Menopause: Is it hot in here or is it me?

2005-12-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

Just found this on the Journal Standard Online:

"Currently there are more than 40 million women who are 51 years or older in the United States and 3 million women who are between the ages of 40 to 50. The average age that women experience spontaneous menopause is 51 and 80 percent of these women will have undesirable symptoms.

During the menopausal years, a woman's ovaries gradually produce less estrogen until production stops entirely. During this time of decreased estrogen is when women may experience changes in their body.

Perimenopause is the transitional time from normal periods to no periods. This transition may start as early as three to nine years before menopause. During this time, a woman may experience a combination of PMS and menopausal symptoms or may have no symptoms at all.

Menopause is a normal part of life for women between the ages of 40 to 58. It is defined as the cessation of menstruation for 12 consecutive months and is the end of a woman's reproductive years."

The whole article is great, in that it's not too much information, and it also doesn't push hormones and artificial therapies. The emphasis is on lifestyle approaches -- exercising 30 minutes a day, three days a week, eating the right foods, and supplementing vitamins. It's not a lot of information, but what I like about it, is the article sends a clear-headed message about an often-confusing time of life.

Symptom Alert

Hot flashes yesterday (12/22) and today. Oh, come to think of it, I had hot flashes two days ago, as well.
They seem to come first thing in the a.m., and then later at night. I think that all the busy-ness of the holidays is sending my body spinning, more than usual. But given that it's so cold outside, I'm not at all opposed to these "power surges" right now. My flashes seem to be coming more frequently. I had a number of symptom-free months, then I started back up again, moderately.

It doesn't help that I'm looking for work, right now, I supposed. That's added stress. But the holidays have been more mellow than usual, so I'm balancing all the demands out pretty well.

Planning everything ahead of time, and getting things out of the way before the deadlines I've imposed, really makes a difference.

Menopause tough for female executives - Women's Health - MSNBC.com

2005-09-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Menopause tough for female executives - Women's Health - MSNBC.com: "Menopause tough for female executives
Profuse sweating, mood swings, memory lapses interfere with work"

At last, someone is talking about this... I've had a suspicion for some time, now that one of the current reasons that women don't talk about menopause much in public, is due to our increasingly visible presence in public and professional life. If you're in a key position at the head of a corporation -- or any group -- and you're going through your Change, the impact that menopause has to your performance (whether real or perceived) can be considerable. The whole memory loss thing is not good. Nor is the sleeplessness thing. Nor is the hot flash thing. (I've been flashing intensely for the last three days, this being the first day I'm back at work... thank heavens!) All the obvious symptoms of (peri)menopause really do get in the way of your everyday professional life, if you're in a position of any kind of authority or leadership. And the prejudice associated with menopause (insanity, intense mood swings, becoming culturally useless because you can no longer produce offspring from your uterus) certainly don't help either.

But I differ with the tone and opinions of the article referenced above, in some significant ways. First off, I have information that says that heavier women are actually less likely to have hot flashes, than thin women. And I think that the professional motivation issue has more to do with our changing attitudes in life, than with sleeplessness. Oh, sure, getting less sleep can make you less than enthusiastic about your work. But for some of us going through the Change, our eyes are opened to how much petty bullshit takes place on daily basis -- especially amongst "the boys" who often seem more interested in proving who has the bigger hard-on, than actually solving significant issues. And our patience with that pettiness decreases, as our hot flashes increase. That endangers the supposed validity of the pettiness, and it makes us not only less enthusiastic, but subversively so.

Furthermore, the fact that your body does whatever it wishes, and you don't have a lot of control over it, can really affect your relationship to control and power. Maybe for men, whose libido (i.e., their bodies) tames down over time, the idea of controlling one's life is well within reach. But for women who are going through dramatic physical changes, and those changes are for the most part out of their control (we just have to deal with them on their terms), the idea of control becomes increasingly illusory, even laughable. And when the idea of control loses its allure -- not to mention its guarantees -- then funneling all your energy into your CAREER (which is what you've got to do, if you're serious about it) can seem just a tad futile. When your body is going through dramatic changes that are altering every piece of your emotional and physical life, a career can seem less and less vital to your sense of self. And the fruits of slaving away at someone else's idea of a good time, can turn bitter over time.

Being (peri)menopausal, for some of us, is antithetical to corporate advancement.

So, is that it, then? Does menopause at last provide proof that women are, in fact, NOT suited to the working world, and the ideal of equality in the workplace is just a 70's feminista pipe dream, after all? Or is this just another piece in the puzzle of human productivity... another thing to factor into our overall view of what place work has in our lives? Does menopause, perhaps, provide a roundabout explanation of why so many professionally mature women "dump out" of the 9-5 corporate world before they reach the pinnacle of their corporate ladder rise to the TOP? Maybe all the women who are quietly exiting the corporate scene are in fact (peri)menopausal, and their bodies are telling them, once and for all, that there are more important things in life than kow-towing to the grand poobah of the hour, and that -- similar to the unpredictability of their bodies -- there are no guarantees of how your life will unfold, so maybe all the hard work may turn out to be for naught, in the end... so why not just exit the rat race and craft a professional dream of your own making and definition?

Contrary to the tone of the article, I have to say that menopausal "enlightenment" about how unpredictable our bodies -- and life -- can be, does not have to be a liability for the lives of professional women who are going through it... rather, it's more of a liability for the companies which benefit from the contributions of these women. Provided that they give their bodies the space they need to "do their thing", (peri)menopause can offer tremendous insight and balancing to women who are willing to listen to their bodies. The Change becomes a liability for women if they don't go with it, they resist it, they try to medicate their way through it, and they keep trying to make themselves fit into a world that is no longer conducive to their comfort or their health. The menopausal process forces you to make choices about how to live your life -- will you take time off for yourself and give your body a chance to rest when it needs to, or will you force your body to behave the way it's been behaving for the last 25 years, regardless of the new and different signals it's sending you? The choices we make, as we go through our Change, are liabilities only to those who don't benefit from what we ultimately choose -- it's a liability to women who refuse to listen to their bodies won't and give them space to develop and grow at their pace... or it's a liability to the companies which refuse to recognize and honor the changes we're experiencing, and continue to demand exclusive rights to our energies and attention, even as our energies and attention mature and diversify.

Either way, menopausal women need to choose. And time will tell what the results are. But I suspect the outcome(s) will actually be good, with women coming into their power, even as they realize that -- when it comes to their bodies -- there's only so much power and control they can truly exercise. And men will learn from us. They always do. I suspect, after a few years, our male counterparts will start catching on, as women have, that work doesn't have to be the be-all to end-all in life, and maybe listening to your body is a good thing, when it's telling you it needs more sleep, or it isn't interested in cooperating with your constant drive for greater and greater accomplishment.

Maybe, just maybe, our bodies will turn out to be right... in spite of the fact that (for now) they seem terribly wrong.

Separation anxiety

2005-03-10T09:39:00.000-08:00

Something terrible is happening in my life. I am ceasing to care about things that used to move me deeply. When it comes to accumulating the accolades and accoutrements of success and the trappings of valuable social currency, I just don't care like I used to. It's not that I don't see the value in having a solid resume or a decent car and a nice house -- I do. I'm just not driven to acquire them, like I used to be.

Maybe it's because I already have them, and I'm not "living from a social deficit," like I used to be. Maybe it's because I have tasted the fruits of great success, and I realize that there's more to life than being able to say I accomplished what I set out to do. But there's a chemical element to it, as well. For some reason, I no longer have the same intense, burning, frenzied desire to achieve that used to drive me, day and night, when I was in my late 20's and early 30's.

It feels strange, almost heretical. I should be driven to succeed. I should be compelled to prove my worth and play my part in the grand theater of life. I should be borderline OCD about what I do with my life, everyday. It should matter to me, what clothes I'm wearing, what car I'm driving, what job I'm holding down. It should be of utmost importance, that I'm taken seriously in life, in the world, in my job, in my home... Everything that once mattered to me, should still.

Theoretically, anyway.

But the reality is, I don't care. Maybe it's being given the runaround at work once too often. Maybe it's having worked my ass off (I need a better expression -- despite all my hard work, my ass is still around, and it's larger than ever ;) and not seeing compensation that could take the place of my neglected home and home life. Maybe it's getting to a point in my life, where I should be satisfied with all the rewards of being a diligent citizen and taxpayer, but being terribly dissatisfied with what I'm seeing around me. Maybe it's coming up in the world as a woman, seeking to make my mark on this world, only to find that, at the end of the road, it really still is a man's world. And that world is ruled and shaped by sensibilities which are not only foreign but sometimes outright obnoxious to me.

Whatever the reason, I find myself not really giving a damn about a lot of things that used to really, really matter to me. And it's a little disorienting. And not only for me, but for everyone around me. I often find people (co-workers, relatives, friends, etc.) looking at me oddly as I shrug and say, "Whatever," when the give me news that should have been bad. Or they don't see me getting as excited over things, like I once did. A chemical change seems to be taking place in my mind, which is dulling the edge of my past desires and drives... but which is replacing that almost animal drive with a more self-referencing perspective.

I'm much more logical now, than I was even two years ago. I don't have the same peaks and valleys of emotion that used to keep me running. It was quite exciting to have all those highs and lows, of course, but in the end, it was just exhausting. Someone very smart once said that excess leads to enlightenment, and I'm hoping it holds true. I think it does.

Because what drives me now, is not adrenaline or frantic frenzy. It's not the thrill of the chase and the excitement of drama. It's not immediate reaction to immediate stimuli. It's something much more boring, and much more encouraging -- what drives me more and more, now, is common sense.

I know, I know, it's not very exciting. Formulating a studious and well-planned inquiry and then coming up with a logical solution to an issue, based on the information known and extrapolated, is a lot less dramatic than working around the clock, depriving myself of sleep and food and then suddenly striking upon inspiration at the least-expected moment. But from where I'm sitting, it's actually more exciting. Because the former sort of discovery is the kind you can take to the bank and actually implement, whereas the latter sleep/food/companionship-deprived "spark" still remains to be proved out. And in the end, the one that can actually be done, is the one worth getting excited about.

Now, here's why this is a tragic development in my life. It's actually not tragic for me, but for the rest of the crowd around me -- the crowd who are accustomed to me being an adrenaline junky who's willing to go to any lengths and make all sorts of personal sacrifices to get the job done. The person they once knew and worked with is gone. I don't care about the thrill of the chase anymore. I don't care about the bids for greatness wrapped in excess and drama. I don't care about pretending something can be done, just to impress folks with what a can-do kinda gal I am. I don't care about the adrenaline-soaked hours of fighting fires and pushing-pushing-pushing for a solution long past the point of physical or mental effectiveness. To those people who were counting on me staying as I was for all time, I'm gone. I'm missing. The old me has passed on and left a more cynical, less trusting, more wily, less perky person in her wake. The old me, who was so eager to be longsuffering and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, is nowhere to be seen.

Which is very sad for some people. Even tragic. Because now I no longer give a damn about their personal pain and suffering which they nurse like 2-week-old kittens. Now I no longer give a rat's ass about their personal ambitions, insofar as they serve only themselves and won't share the wealth. Now I just can't get all excited about projects which may or may not work out, and which depend primarily on this pie-in-the-sky can-do attitude which just grates on my over-experienced nerves. Countless people are selling excitement, but I'm not buying. I'm not buying their product, I'm not buying their vision, I'm not buying their lines. I'm not buying, unless it works, and living as I do in this country of the United States, precious few people who are selling are offering much that has been proven to really, truly, honestly work as promised. Whether it's a war or a car or a career change, what's being sold hasn't been proven... worse yet, too much of what's got a price tag is turning out to be some banana republic knock-off (not the clothing store -- the actual term, which the store lifted).

It's unforunate for this economy, that I've become like this. Because so much of our gross national product relies on the trust and optimism of the buying public, and if I (onetime early adopter and fresh-faced optimist) am becoming this way, you can bet a whole lot of other people are, too. Women, especially, I think. As we progress in our lives and survive one betrayal of trust after another... as our bodies change and we find out nothing is really guaranteed or permanent... as our moods and emotions change, and we find out that we either pay a lot more attention to ourselves, or our lives are going to shit... we pull away from all the cloying, needy souls who have feasted on our energies for, lo, these past 20-30 years of adulthood, and things start to change.

It's not just unforunate for this economy, either. It's unfortunate for all those who have made themselves totally reliant on us -- all the partners and children and co-workers and complete strangers, who have relied on us being longsuffering and indulgent towards them and their needs... all the incompetent boobs whom we've allowed to "slide" because they seemed like nice people... all the politicians who thought they could fool us into supporting whatever they wanted to do with our lives, our money, our offspring... all the people out there who have been relying on our not making a stink about things being oh, so very wrong... well, they're in for a rude awakening. Whether on a microcosmic or macrocosmic scale, the scale is tipping. And people are going to be in for rude awakenings. If they aren't already.

And so I'm bracing for the world's separation anxiety. Because Mommy isn't going to be around much longer in the form she held for so long. Mommy is ending her ovulation odyssey, and she's taking time for herself. Looking around at the world as it is right now, it seems to me that this is exactly what we're going through -- the world experiencing separation anxieties from all the Mommies who are stepping back and letting others go it alone, for once.

Indeed, much of the global conflict these days, strikes me as eerily familiar to the violent outbursts of two teenaged sons of a friend of mine. My partner and I were visiting her one weekend, and the boys were so upset that Mom wasn't paying exclusive attention to them, that they started to fight and ended up drawing blood. Much drama, just because Mommy's attention wasn't fully focused on them. And now that thousands upon tens of thousands of women are going through these changes each and every day, stepping back, paying attention to things other than everyone else's needs, the world is going through separation anxieties and acting out as a result.

Perhaps this is why women have been made to feel so self-conscious about this Change, over the generations. Because the people who depend on us staying the way we were, lo, those many, many years, don't want to see us coming into our own and leaving them and liking it. Or maybe so many women have gained so much power in their worlds from that old dynamic, that they can't bear the idea of relinquishing that power. Or maybe it's a whole host of contributing factors that can't be summarized in a paragraph, a blog, or a shelf full of books. But one thing is for sure -- the changes women go through after their physical mothering phase, do leave a lot of people high and dry, who would rather not be abandoned. Even if it does make Mommy feel better about herself.

Hot flashes of all types

2005-03-09T07:13:00.000-08:00

Got up this morning and felt hot... thinking it's a hot flash, till I took a look at the thermostat and realized, yes, it is hot in here.

We're having unusually cold weather this morning, so the thermostat is bumped up to 64, which is actually hot for this house. For some reason (and I'm not complaining!) this house heats up very rapidly and stays warm, so we never have to keep our thermostat above 62.

Which is helpful on the heating bill.

But I didn't logon today to talk about that kind of feeling hot. I haven't had a full-blown hot flash in a number of weeks. What's more intense with me, these days, is my mood swings, my emotional hot flashes. It's quite bizarre, really. A part of me knows full well that the circumstances under which I'm living, are not cause for alarm or protest. Things are going really well for me, and I'm pretty even-keeled overall. But when I encounter little "snags" (like the telephone cord getting tangled up when I'm trying to straighten it out, or my computer not doing what I expect it to, when I click or press a button), I hit the roof. Instant rage boils in me, and with all my might, I want to break or throw something.

I don't feel this way openly, of course. For all my instantaneous rage, part of me knows very well that I'm overreacting to circumstances, and I don't let it show outwardly what's going on inside me. As the emotion wells up, the rational part of my brain reminds the irrational part, that I'm probably just having an emotional "hot flash" and that my interpretation of the situation (the telephone is plotting against me, and it always has, since the day I got it... my computer is a sullen little upstart who needs to be taught a lesson), does not necessarily correspond with reality or the perceptions of others.

So, I keep it to myself.

Of course, there are those proponents of not-holding-back who say it's unhealthy to hold it in. But the simple fact of the matter is, I have to hold in my emotional outbursts. Because:

a) They are in fact hormonal in nature and not necessarily grounded in reality

b) They are inexplicable to others, and serve only to upset hapless bystanders

c) They pass very quickly, unlike the results of me raging publicly and taking no prisoners with my outrage

d) It's just too embarassing to have to explain that I'm freaking out intensely over a handful of wires getting tangled up

I don't think that letting it all hang out, when it comes to my emotional hot flashes, is the wisest or most compassionate thing to do, so I don't.

And I think the world thanks me for it.

Which brings up another issue around this Change...

Fear of Heat... especially when it comes to women

I've noticed quite a lot, in the course of my past 39+ years, that few things are more frightening to people, than fiercely angry women. There's something about women's anger that freaks people out -- which I suppose is to be expected in a culture which values "nice girls" above "bad girls" and which devotes untold resources to reminding girls, from the time they're old enough to lift up Barbie's skirt to see what's under there... to the day they're wiping their babies' bottoms, that nice girls are good, and not-nice girls are unpopular. But for the life of me, I can't figure out why we're still wedded to this concept.

And I can't figure out why people are so frightened of angry women. Because they are. I've had people at work actually retaliate against me, because they were afraid of my justifiable anger over a situation that was professionally intolerable. I've had people in numerous situations all but run from me, when I vented a bit of anger over an unjust situation that anyone should be angry about. I've had all kinds of interesting responses to my outbursts of frustration, and there have been more than a few over the years. Not that I'm given to raging constantly, but when I see something that seems WRONG and no one's doing anything about it, well, I do get angry.

And people get scared. Why, I'm not sure. But they do.

It's a problem, really. And not just for me. Here we've got a whole generation of women who are getting hot under their collars (literally and figuratively) for many different reasons, but they aren't supposed to show it. I mean, it's one thing for me to show consideration to my fellow human beings by not giving full expression to my glass-melting rage over the tea kettle whistling 10 seconds prior to when I expect it to. But it's another thing, entirely, to tell a woman she's not entitled to feel that sort of rage, let alone express another form of it that might be perfectly justified -- such as rage over job discrimination which puts a single mother and her children at a disadvantage in life... or rage over the deaths of thousands upon thousands of civillians in the latest international conflict.

It's the second sort of prohibilition that worries me. And like the Prohibition of the 1900's, this prohibition of natural female outrage does us more harm that good. I can tell the difference between an irrational emotional hot flash, and a reason for righteous anger. And I'm judicious in how I handle each of them. And I should be allowed to vent the latter, when it's warranted.

There's got to be a better name for this, than "menopause"

2005-03-08T13:05:00.000-08:00

I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with the use of the word "menopause" in describing what my body is going through these days. Even the word "perimenopause" doesn't cut it -- putting the "peri-" in front of "menopause" seems an ill-concealed attempt at making the process seem less notorious. But notorious it remains, for a variety of reasons. Most people still can't get past the concept of menopause signalling the end of a woman's useful life.

Okay, technically, it's accurate to refer to this change-of-life process as "the cessation of ovulation and menstrual periods." But that's not all I'm going through. It's not only my ovaries that are changing -- it's my whole hormonal system. The way I think, the way my body uses nutrients, the way I sleep, the way my hair and nails and tissues are built. I'm producing varying amounts of progesterone and estrogen, and that affects much more of me, than just my ovaries. Even when I am bleeding, I'm still experiencing all the other symptoms that go along with this Change. To make this process ovulation-centric seems just a tad myopic.

Indeed, it's myopic and over-simplified. The end of ovulation is only one aspect of a whole re-wiring of my system that's going on. And to frame it in purely reproductive terms, not only diminishes me as a whole person with much more to off than an egg each month, but it over-simplifies a complex transition. If this Change were as simple as just ceasing ovulation, then it would be a quick once-and-done kind of thing. But ceasing to produce eggs is only one symptom of many during my Change; therefore, to make it all about my menstrual identity, is just plain simple-minded.

What's more, when we make this change only about women's reproduction, we alienate half of the population from a transition which affects them, as it does us. The men of the world are impacted by the changes in our internal chemistry and "coding," and to reserve the change as a purely female reproductive one, cuts them out of the process and unnecessarily mystifies it. It's a hormonal change -- but it's one that impacts our relations with them in the social realm, not only the intimate physical one. Everyone is changed, as we change, and not only our internal organs.

Sure, there's "male menopause," but I've heard the term used more as an alternative for "mid-life crisis" or even as a joke, than seriously. Besides, calling it "male menopause" is a contradiction in terms -- "meno-" refers to menstruation. If they bled for 5 days, every month for a quarter century, it would be one thing. But no man that I know, ever has. So, let's do away with the term "menopause" when we talk about their hormonal changes.

What we need is a whole new word that's more viable than "menopause" and which can apply to both men and women. How about "vitamorph" ("vita"from the Latin "life, way of life" and "morph" from a variation of "metamorphose" from the Latin/Greek which means "to transform"). It really IS a change of life we're going through -- and change of life should not be a euphemsism for menopause -- rather recognized as the overarching reality of this time in our lives.

Menopause inappropriate indicates a brief cessation -- and it's not. It's a done deal -- the end of the mixed blessing of a woman's reproductive life. But it's not the end that so many people make it out to be, for there's far more to women than their reproduction. And the change affects more people than just the women going through the Change.

I'm not perimenopausal. Nor will I be menopausal. I will be vitamorphing. Along with the millions of other women, who will number in the tens of millions in another 20 years or so.

Too much information...

2005-03-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

I've been roaming around the web for a while, now, looking for information about (peri)menopause that's written by someone who's a) personally invested and b) willing to share their information for the purpose of assisting others to make sound choices with their bodies.

I've found:

Lots of folks who are selling something-or-other to "relieve symptoms" -- both pharmaceutical and herbal. While I'm sure that a lot of them mean well, I wonder if it's really, truly possible for so many different viable options to exist? I mean, every woman has a different experience, sure, but does every woman on the face of the earth need a separate and distinct product for her symptoms? I think there's been a huge glut of products flooding onto the marketplace in response to the massive market (peri)menopausal women represent. When 5,000 new customers are created each day, someone in sales-and-marketing has to sit up and take notice.

I predict that in the coming 3-5 years, a number of these products will "fizzle out" as they fail to promote themselves properly or capture the kind of market that can sustain them. Right now, we've got a whole lot of products out there, but survival of brands in this particular segment isn't necessarily going to depend on branding -- it's going to depend on effectiveness. I mean, you can wrap a "menopausal relief" product in pretty packaging, but if it fails to deliver what it promises, well, the market will not sustain it.

So, unlike some brand creations, where we see things invented and then aggressively marketed, and then surviving due to brand recognition and market share, the menopausal relief market is going to be determined by effectiveness -- whether something works or not.

The same goes for health care. It's all very well and good for a doctor to prescribe such-and-such, but when test results come back and clearly state that such-and-such increases your risk for cancer, well, how does an establishment adjust to the decrease in patient trust? How, indeed? On the one hand, you have an establishment which is very fond of telling women (and men) that they need to consult with their doctors before they take any action, and on the other hand, you have women (and men) experiencing physical symptoms which change with the wind and which demand immediate attention, doctor or no doctor in the house.

The medical trend, I believe, will move towards more collaboration between women and their healthcare providers (be they doctors, nurse practitioners, naturopaths, chiropractors... you name it). I don't see any other way -- after all, our medical care is voluntary, and if a woman doesn't much care for what her doctor tells her to do, she just won't do it. She'll throw the pills away. She'll refuse treatment of one kind or another. She'll take matters into her own hands. And doctors, though they may insist that they're the only expert in the room, will have to deal with the fact that their patients have the final say in what goes into, or is done to, their bodies.

I've also found a lot of duplicate information (online pollution, some call it) as well as conflicting reports. Some say emotional problems are inevitable with menopause, others say they have nothing to do with the Change. Some say you'll have these symptoms, other say you'll have fewer -- or more. No one can quite agree on what exactly takes place, which seems odd, since millions of women from time immemorial have gone through this process.

And no one knows for sure, what can/will/might happen? How can this be?

I think it has to do with being overly cautious... being afraid of being (mis)quoted or even sued over information passed along... hedging one's bets... or just plain not knowing, but still being determined to make your mark in the market. After all, something like 40 million women are menopausal right now, and there's money to be made.

I think it also has to do with hyper-timidity when it comes to menopause. The topic has been off limits for so long, with all those myths and misconceptions attached to it that date back to the days when menopause literally happened at or near the end of a woman's (short) life. In the olden days, if a woman was lucky enough to survive the births of all her children, and managed to make it through all those years of backbreaking work and inhumane conditions, she was an exception to the rule -- and a lot of times, she was probably half deaf/blind/insane to boot.

But we haven't had olden days like that in quite some time, and the realities of women's lengthening lives demand re-examination. We demand re-definition. Refusing to talk about menopause is rapidly becoming ridiculous. And holding to all the old myths about it -- that we'll dry up (we don't all), that we'll lose our minds (some get smarter, after their change), that we have nothing to contribute (many women have more than ever) -- is just plain silly.

My prediction for the next 3-5 years for this is (if I have anything to say about it) that women will be a lot less reluctant to talk about their Change in hushed tones, that they'll be able to face it squarely and honestly and see it as a part of their justifyably long lives, not run from it as a wretchedly dehumanizing sentence of indefinite house arrest.

Even Martha Stewart gets to take off her ankle bracelet in 5 months. Why shouldn't we women be willing to take off the constraints of an unjust and foolishly prejudiced world, as well?

What else have I noticed?

Well, that all those menopause discussion forums are going largely unused by the women they were created for. There are a number of useful sites out there which have discussion forums and boards where women can gather and talk about their experiences. But unless I'm looking in the wrong places, only a few women are actually talking about their lives.

I figure it's because:

1) it's depressing -- a lot of folks only start to reach out when things get bad
2) we're busy -- 'cause (peri)menopause has a way of setting in, when we're at our busiest -- cruel trick of fate, that
3) everyone is saying the same things -- and once you find the solution to your problem, you move on with your busy life, rather than hanging out to see what others are saying
4) everyone is saying different things -- and it's not always possible to relate or find a reliable solution to your unique situation

I'm sure there are other reasons, but these are the ones that spring to the top of my head.

Bottom line is -- I'm quite dissatisfied with what I'm finding online. Either there's too much information, or there's not enough. It's just not good enough. Or maybe I'm just being perimenopausal... ;)

Temper, Temper...

2005-03-03T05:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't had any hot flashes in about three weeks, but other symptoms point to me going through hormonal changes -- namely, my temper.

Now, I'm a pretty even-keeled kinda gal, but for the last week or so, my temper has just been horrible. I snap at the slightest things -- not being able to fit a cap on a bottle... having trouble pulling my many winter layers off, when I get back inside the house... shoveling snow and having the shovel stick in a crack... My temper just goes off. Fortunately, a lot of my "episodes" happen when I'm working alone, so the rest of the world doesn't have to be burdened by my short fuse.

But sometimes others are around. When I'm shopping, and I'm having trouble wrestling a bag of cat litter into the cart... When I'm working, and I keep mistyping a word... When I'm trying to change the channel, and the numbers I press aren't the numbers I want... Instant curses spring to my lips, and I start to freak out. Or sometimes I'll be trying to make myself understood to my significant other, and I'm just not succeeding. I start to yell. I start to rant. I start to feel really, really foolish. Fortunately, my outbursts are most violent when I'm in the comfort and privacy of my own home.

Which is good for the rest of the world. But not so good for my significant other.

One thing I have discovered which helps -- not my temper, but my outbursts -- is a technique similar to that of Za-zen, the Zen discipline of sitting motionless for hours. In Za-zen, the idea is to just sit. Don't move. Don't scratch that itch. Don't stretch your cramped legs. Just sit. Observe. Get outside your body and reality and just watch what happens when you sit for hours without moving. It's not an easy discipline, and it's not widely known (at least, most people I know have never heard of it). But I know about it, and I find its principles very useful, when my temper flares for no apparent reason, and it's entirely inappropriate for me to vent.

What I do, basically, is watch my temper flare up. I detach from the situation and watch as my temperature goes up, my face gets flushed, and a wave of vitriolic rage wells up me (for example, when the trash bag tears while I'm tying it). I observe my internal emotional outburst and remind myself, this reaction has more to do with my hormonal fluctuations, than the reality of the situation, and if I can just keep it together to get the trash bag sealed and taken out to the curb, instead of blowing up and throwing something, this too shall pass, and I'll be able to function normally in a few minutes, without an emotional mess to clean up afterwards.

To some, the approach may seem cold and distant. And yes, it probably is. But that's only because the situation warrants a cold and distant approach, rather than a hot-headed explosion over minutiae. It's bad enough, that I want to blow up over every little thing that goes "wrong" (i.e., not as I expect/plan), but to have to deal with the aftermath of a full-blown temper tantrum that wasn't warranted in the first place

Just because you're paranoid... doesn't mean you're not peri-menopausal

2005-02-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

If I were a conspiracy theory kinda gal, that's what I'd think peri-menopause is -- a conspiracy.

No sooner do I reach a point in my career, where I can genuinely say, "I've made it," than my world starts to fall apart. Not all of it, mind you -- my professional life is solid, my domestic relationship is great and getting better all the time, and many of the life questions that had me at a loss when I was 20 years younger have been cleared up, either by experience or by highly-paid professional advisors.

But deep down inside, where no one can see, things are just plain going to hell. Maybe the rest of the world can't tell that my memory keeps slipping, or that my temper has become hot enough to melt glass, or that I haven't slept restfully and solidly through the night in more than a year... but I know. How I know. I've gained weight, despite working like a madwoman for 18 months on a Very Large Project at work. My temper's fuse grows shorter with each passing week. My fingernails seem uncharacteristically brittle, and although I haven't had to completely disrobe in a steaming sweat in public, I am starting to get hot flashes. What's more the hairs on my arm are turning darker and thicker than they've ever been. I'm not turning grey (yet), but instead, someone else's hair is growing in place of my own. All my life, I've had thin, fine brown hair. But now, suddenly, I have thick, black hair sprouting from my head. I've turned unaccountably dyslexic after a lifetime of rattling off numbers and spellings with no problem. And my period is definitely "out of whack" -- sometimes 3 weeks apart, sometimes 6 weeks, sometimes lasting for 10-14 days, with cramps setting in at completely different intervals than usual.

Yes, things are changing -- and disturbingly so, when I consider that I used to be able to set my calendar and clock by my periods, I've never had issues with spelling or number order in all my life, and my temper has never been this volatile or this violent. I've been to my doctor, and she's taken blood and checked my hormone levels. She assures me that everything is in the "acceptable range." But she's not living in my skin, finding herself suddenly incapable of doing so many things she took for granted for the first 40 years of her life. My doctor assures me that it could be stress-related, but I've got news for her -- six months after the Very Large Project completed, I've got less stress, but more symptoms than ever.

It's terribly unfair. I should be at the top of my game, right now. I've been out in the working world, honing my skills, for the past 18 years, and at this point in my life, by rights I should be ready to rocket skyward with all due haste. I'm very good at what I do, and I've got considerably more experience than many, if not most, of my co-workers. They look to me for guidance and assistance. They expect a great deal from me, not least of which are leadership and confidence. And yet, even as more certainty is demanded of me each day, I feel so many of the given certainties of my life slipping away... like the reason I walked into the room to-- what did I come here for...? My increasingly frequent forgetfulness, quite frankly, freaks me out. Perhaps paranoia is yet another symptom of this Change.

No, it's just not right. After ovulating for 27 years, I've finally gotten comfortable with my body's rhythms, but now it's decided to start marching to a different tune. My physical well-being is unpredictable at best, ephemeral at worst. My emotional health is a roller-coaster without safety rails on the seats. My ability to concentrate has eroded to the point where my mind simply stops thinking about a Very Difficult Question at just The Wrong Time. At a stage in my life, when I need to be at the peak of my physical, mental and emotional abilities, to compete in this economy and job market, my body is directly working against me. And it's only a matter of time until someone notices that my "lapses" have been going on for years, puts 2 and 2 together, and decides that maybe a younger, more predictable person would be better suited to my job. On the inside I cringe as my menopausal symptoms intensify, while on the outside I scramble to cover my change-of-life tracks.

I think this is why a lot of women -- especially professionals -- don't like to think or talk about menopause, unless we're pressed -- or we're in private. So many of us have had to work so hard, to get where we are, if we let on that we're "slipping" now (when market pressure and a fresh new workforce are threatening to edge us out of the way) it may jeopardize our ability to compete. It's bad enough that we're getting older -- I don't care what anyone says, getting older still carries more stigma for women than for men -- but we're getting genuinely less capable as well? The timing of menopause couldn't be worse. The professional world can be such a cut-throat arena, and the last thing we women need, after being told all our lives, "You can't do the job because you're a girl," is to have the prophecy actually come true when we're grown women. For me (and I imagine, for many other women), menopause is the fulfillment of my worst nightmares -- apparent proof positive that women really can't keep up with the Big Boys in the Big Bad World of Business.

But the myth about me "drying up and blowing away" as I go through the Change is just that -- a myth. And even if it does manifest, with thinning vaginal walls and less wetness during sex, so what? That's what steroid creams and K-Y are for. Menopause certainly isn't the first hurdle I've had to overcome on my climb to the top. I've had to deal with crippling PMS, unfair compensation, lacking work-life balance, stress-related illness, family traumas and deaths, discrimination, sexism, the albatross of cliches about "girls," and a host of other obstacles that haven't killed me, but have made me stronger. I've gone through plenty, and I've come out fighting on the other side, so a bunch of hormonal changes, however dramatic they may seem, don't really have the power to derail my career path. If women have collectively overcome the institutionalized roadblocks that stood in our way 20-30 years ago, and we've managed to make our presences known in the professional world, we can certainly overcome the challenges of menopause -- and become better persons as a result. And if billions of women have been going through this Change for aeons and didn't dry up and blow away, I can do just as well for myself.

Around me, the world spins on its regular course, with odd looks coming my way, now and then, when I "don't seem like myself." My daily abilities and responsibilities remain constant -- and increasing. My life is as eventful as ever, and now my body is joining in the fun. On the outside, everything's fine, while on the inside, a vast and deep-rooted conspiracy threatens to dislodge me from my position of respect and seniority, just as the next generation of movers and shakers are launching campaigns for my job... and the spectre of job offshoring threatens the livelihood which keeps my mortgage paid.

But like the quote says ... I think... "Youth and beauty are no match for age and experience."

I've been around too long and I've accomplished too much in my life, to start doubting myself now, ovulation or no. Like Sigourney Weaver in Alien II, strapping herself into the mechanical exoskeleton and readying to do battle with her nemesis, I say to my newly peri-menopausal life, Bring It On.

Welcome

2005-02-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

Thus begins the existence of "Very Peri-Menopausal," notes from a 40-ish woman going through The Change.

Watch this space for coming news and notes, as well as updates on The Cycle Calendar -- a 5-year monthly menopausal minder for busy women like me, who need an organizer to keep it together.