Hot flashes of all types

Got up this morning and felt hot... thinking it's a hot flash, till I took a look at the thermostat and realized, yes, it is hot in here.

We're having unusually cold weather this morning, so the thermostat is bumped up to 64, which is actually hot for this house. For some reason (and I'm not complaining!) this house heats up very rapidly and stays warm, so we never have to keep our thermostat above 62.

Which is helpful on the heating bill.

But I didn't logon today to talk about that kind of feeling hot. I haven't had a full-blown hot flash in a number of weeks. What's more intense with me, these days, is my mood swings, my emotional hot flashes. It's quite bizarre, really. A part of me knows full well that the circumstances under which I'm living, are not cause for alarm or protest. Things are going really well for me, and I'm pretty even-keeled overall. But when I encounter little "snags" (like the telephone cord getting tangled up when I'm trying to straighten it out, or my computer not doing what I expect it to, when I click or press a button), I hit the roof. Instant rage boils in me, and with all my might, I want to break or throw something.

I don't feel this way openly, of course. For all my instantaneous rage, part of me knows very well that I'm overreacting to circumstances, and I don't let it show outwardly what's going on inside me. As the emotion wells up, the rational part of my brain reminds the irrational part, that I'm probably just having an emotional "hot flash" and that my interpretation of the situation (the telephone is plotting against me, and it always has, since the day I got it... my computer is a sullen little upstart who needs to be taught a lesson), does not necessarily correspond with reality or the perceptions of others.

So, I keep it to myself.

Of course, there are those proponents of not-holding-back who say it's unhealthy to hold it in. But the simple fact of the matter is, I have to hold in my emotional outbursts. Because:

a) They are in fact hormonal in nature and not necessarily grounded in reality

b) They are inexplicable to others, and serve only to upset hapless bystanders

c) They pass very quickly, unlike the results of me raging publicly and taking no prisoners with my outrage

d) It's just too embarassing to have to explain that I'm freaking out intensely over a handful of wires getting tangled up

I don't think that letting it all hang out, when it comes to my emotional hot flashes, is the wisest or most compassionate thing to do, so I don't.

And I think the world thanks me for it.

Which brings up another issue around this Change...

Fear of Heat... especially when it comes to women

I've noticed quite a lot, in the course of my past 39+ years, that few things are more frightening to people, than fiercely angry women. There's something about women's anger that freaks people out -- which I suppose is to be expected in a culture which values "nice girls" above "bad girls" and which devotes untold resources to reminding girls, from the time they're old enough to lift up Barbie's skirt to see what's under there... to the day they're wiping their babies' bottoms, that nice girls are good, and not-nice girls are unpopular. But for the life of me, I can't figure out why we're still wedded to this concept.

And I can't figure out why people are so frightened of angry women. Because they are. I've had people at work actually retaliate against me, because they were afraid of my justifiable anger over a situation that was professionally intolerable. I've had people in numerous situations all but run from me, when I vented a bit of anger over an unjust situation that anyone should be angry about. I've had all kinds of interesting responses to my outbursts of frustration, and there have been more than a few over the years. Not that I'm given to raging constantly, but when I see something that seems WRONG and no one's doing anything about it, well, I do get angry.

And people get scared. Why, I'm not sure. But they do.

It's a problem, really. And not just for me. Here we've got a whole generation of women who are getting hot under their collars (literally and figuratively) for many different reasons, but they aren't supposed to show it. I mean, it's one thing for me to show consideration to my fellow human beings by not giving full expression to my glass-melting rage over the tea kettle whistling 10 seconds prior to when I expect it to. But it's another thing, entirely, to tell a woman she's not entitled to feel that sort of rage, let alone express another form of it that might be perfectly justified -- such as rage over job discrimination which puts a single mother and her children at a disadvantage in life... or rage over the deaths of thousands upon thousands of civillians in the latest international conflict.

It's the second sort of prohibilition that worries me. And like the Prohibition of the 1900's, this prohibition of natural female outrage does us more harm that good. I can tell the difference between an irrational emotional hot flash, and a reason for righteous anger. And I'm judicious in how I handle each of them. And I should be allowed to vent the latter, when it's warranted.